My dad told me I needed to write down my feelings, so that I wouldn't forget how hard things are or try to diminish what I went through later when things turn out for the better. Right now, I am not sure that will ever happen. I have tried to sit down and write this all out for the past several weeks, but it was just easier to do other things. The first three days after we found out about the dropping beta were like limbo. The miscarriage hadn't started yet, so I kept hoping they would call me back and tell me there was a mixup and that was someone else's unfortunate result, and mine was fine...but I knew it wasn't true. I could tell all the pregnancy symptoms had vanished. When the miscarriage actually started, it was very painful. They said it might not be, since I wasn't very far along, but it was.
When we talked to Dr. S, he said he didn't know why I miscarried, but that it was probably a genetic problem with the embryos and probably wouldn't happen again. That didn't give me much comfort, because so far, all of those small percentage categories of awfulness I'm not supposed to be in...I have been in. He tried to be encouraging, saying in my case, implantation and actually getting pregnant is the hardest hurdle, and we made it there, so we can do it again. Its just so hard to have faith. Austin wanted to try again right away, though, so I agreed to give it another shot. Dr. S was going on vacation in June and we were going on the family reunion the beginning of July, so we all decided to wait 2 cycles, and start around the middle of July.
The next two weeks, I cried every single day. I was mostly able to keep it contained to my own house by myself or around Austin, but almost everything I had to do during those weeks was painful. By week 3, I was only crying some days, and the fourth week I didn't cry at all until someone casually asked me how I was at church and I just started bawling out of no where.
PuckerUp season started and I was grateful to be able to use that to distract myself for a few weekends, and next week we'll be leaving for the reunion, so that will be distracting as well. Everyone has been really supportive, and I hate to feel like such a mess, but I can't help it. Its hard not to feel like God is just playing with me. I feel like this is too much for me to handle, and then I feel guilty for not having more faith. I have a brother on a mission right now, and I didn't write to him this week, because I'm a slacker. But he wrote to my mom something after she complained that she was sick again, and it may as well have been to me. He said:
"Even though we have hard trials in life, would it really be easier to
give up the faith than to put more faith in God? Many people think so, but in this church and this family, it will never be easier to give up
the faith. So this only goes 2 ways. Are your trials building up your
faith or tearing it down? Is your obedience to the laws of heaven
inseparably connected with your love of Jesus Christ? Some things for
everyone to think about."
I know that is true, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know the only way to get through this is my faith in my Heavenly Father, but I feel like he deserves the cold shoulder right now. I just have to believe that I don't understand the purpose of this trial YET. The alternative is unbearable.
For now, I am trying to distance myself from my emotions to get through another cycle. I called the clinic and got my meds ordered and my down payment for the next cycle put through. It is hard to have hope right now. I don't know if it is pessimistic or rational to reserve having hope until I've made it past a few more hurdles, but its what I'm having to do right now.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Fail
Just a quick update about what is going on. I will write more when I feel up to it. We got a positive pregnancy test last week, the first beta was good, and we were really happy. However, we decided to get a second beta today just to be safe, and the number had dropped drastically, which means miscarriage is inevitable. We're going to talk to the doctor next Monday and see what we're supposed to do next.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Just for the record
All the side effects I didn't have with the shots, I am now having with the progesterone. Conveniently, they are the same as pregnancy symptoms, so I can't tell if anything is going on. On the bright side, though, I could literally sleep through the next 9 days with no trouble. I am SO tired. But of course, I can't sleep at night. Then, I just thrash around a lot in that awkward, not-really-asleep mode. SUPER!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
I'm waiting...I'm waiting
I can't believe its only been 3 days since my two little guys were implanted. I can already tell it is going to be a long 11 more days. The embryologist called today to tell me that none of the other embryos made it to day 6 to be frozen. That is what we expected, but its still sad. I am really hoping these two have what it takes to make it! I just hate that it takes so long to find out.
My grandma texted me at 3:20 a.m. to tell me that she just woke up and felt that the babies were implanting. She's been known to have dreams or wake up with feelings that are true, so I'm hoping that's so now. My mom also says she strongly feels them. Whatever happens, will be what the Lord wills though.
Austin took his second final today and then he has one on Friday. Then its summer! I am excited for that. Hopefully, I will just be spending it throwing up from morning sickness instead of going through more IVF treatments.
I really appreciate everyone who has sent me positive comments. It has really helped!
My grandma texted me at 3:20 a.m. to tell me that she just woke up and felt that the babies were implanting. She's been known to have dreams or wake up with feelings that are true, so I'm hoping that's so now. My mom also says she strongly feels them. Whatever happens, will be what the Lord wills though.
Austin took his second final today and then he has one on Friday. Then its summer! I am excited for that. Hopefully, I will just be spending it throwing up from morning sickness instead of going through more IVF treatments.
I really appreciate everyone who has sent me positive comments. It has really helped!
Monday, April 29, 2013
My Two PERFECT Little Ones
Today is the day after our embryo transfer. I would have updated yesterday, but they gave me Valium before the procedure, which I have never had before, and it made me floppy and tired, so I spent the rest of the day sleeping that off. Also, it didn't really even kick in until after the procedure was over, so I think if I had to do it again, I'd skip the Valium.
Anyways, we got to the clinic and the nurse explained all the stuff I'm supposed to do/not do after the procedure, and then the doctor came in. We had Dr. Hatasaka again. I like him a lot! He told us how our embryos had done in the last 3 days. He told us we had 2 excellent embryos, 2 fair, and 2 poor. He was really excited that we had 2 excellent ones. In the class we took before we started, they told everyone not to expect excellent embryos, because that hardly ever happens. The usually get goods and fairs. Dr. Hatasaka said they only see a few excellent ones a month at their clinic, so it was really awesome that two of ours were excellent. We decided we wanted to implant both of them, and Dr. Hatasaka explained the risks of twins, etc., which I said I was fine with. He said, "Okay with me. I don't have to raise them." Haha!
Then they took me back to the OR area where they set me up on the bed. Then the embryologist came out of the lab and gave me the picture of the two we were going to implant, and he explained what they look for when grading them. He said ours couldn't have been any better and he was really pleased with them. He said he went ahead and did the "assisted hatching" procedure, which just gives them a little better chance of attaching once they're in there.
They told us also about a study done in Egypt, where they injected a small amount of hCG into the uterus just prior to implanting the embryos, which kind of triggers a cascade response from the lining to get ready for the embryos. They said the study found a 10-11% increase in implantation that way, so they conducted the study here and found the same thing. We were like, yeah! We'll do whatever will increase our chances, so they did that first.
Then, the embryologist brought the dish with our babies in it over to the microscope, which projected to a big TV monitor. He made me check to make sure my name was on the dish and then showed us the two tiny dots that were my little 8-celled miracles. He zoomed in a bit and we could see them a little closer, and then we watched as he sucked them into a little catheter. He then brought that over to Dr. H, who put them into my uterus in the same place the hCG went. They checked the catheter after to make sure they had for sure gotten them in there, and then it was all over!
The whole thing was pretty simple, but just overwhelming at the same time. I am so grateful for the power of prayer and fasting, because I know the family fast we had before we started definitely made a difference. We have been surprising the doctors at every step, by getting better results than they anticipated! I am so excited to see what happens.
I have to wait 2 weeks to test, and they will do a beta a few days after that. Autumn pointed out that 2 weeks would be exactly Mother's Day. What a lovely present THAT would be!! I hope this works, but if it doesn't, at least I have been through the entire process and I know I could do it again. The first time is always the scariest, not knowing what each part will be like or do to your body. I am pleased to report that it was much easier than I anticipated. I am just a little wiped out from all the hormones, but not really any other side effects to report.
I am posting the picture they gave us at the clinic of our 2 perfect embryos. The little notches at the bottom are where they did the "assisted hatching."
Anyways, we got to the clinic and the nurse explained all the stuff I'm supposed to do/not do after the procedure, and then the doctor came in. We had Dr. Hatasaka again. I like him a lot! He told us how our embryos had done in the last 3 days. He told us we had 2 excellent embryos, 2 fair, and 2 poor. He was really excited that we had 2 excellent ones. In the class we took before we started, they told everyone not to expect excellent embryos, because that hardly ever happens. The usually get goods and fairs. Dr. Hatasaka said they only see a few excellent ones a month at their clinic, so it was really awesome that two of ours were excellent. We decided we wanted to implant both of them, and Dr. Hatasaka explained the risks of twins, etc., which I said I was fine with. He said, "Okay with me. I don't have to raise them." Haha!
Then they took me back to the OR area where they set me up on the bed. Then the embryologist came out of the lab and gave me the picture of the two we were going to implant, and he explained what they look for when grading them. He said ours couldn't have been any better and he was really pleased with them. He said he went ahead and did the "assisted hatching" procedure, which just gives them a little better chance of attaching once they're in there.
They told us also about a study done in Egypt, where they injected a small amount of hCG into the uterus just prior to implanting the embryos, which kind of triggers a cascade response from the lining to get ready for the embryos. They said the study found a 10-11% increase in implantation that way, so they conducted the study here and found the same thing. We were like, yeah! We'll do whatever will increase our chances, so they did that first.
Then, the embryologist brought the dish with our babies in it over to the microscope, which projected to a big TV monitor. He made me check to make sure my name was on the dish and then showed us the two tiny dots that were my little 8-celled miracles. He zoomed in a bit and we could see them a little closer, and then we watched as he sucked them into a little catheter. He then brought that over to Dr. H, who put them into my uterus in the same place the hCG went. They checked the catheter after to make sure they had for sure gotten them in there, and then it was all over!
The whole thing was pretty simple, but just overwhelming at the same time. I am so grateful for the power of prayer and fasting, because I know the family fast we had before we started definitely made a difference. We have been surprising the doctors at every step, by getting better results than they anticipated! I am so excited to see what happens.
I have to wait 2 weeks to test, and they will do a beta a few days after that. Autumn pointed out that 2 weeks would be exactly Mother's Day. What a lovely present THAT would be!! I hope this works, but if it doesn't, at least I have been through the entire process and I know I could do it again. The first time is always the scariest, not knowing what each part will be like or do to your body. I am pleased to report that it was much easier than I anticipated. I am just a little wiped out from all the hormones, but not really any other side effects to report.
I am posting the picture they gave us at the clinic of our 2 perfect embryos. The little notches at the bottom are where they did the "assisted hatching."
I am so proud of these little guys!! You can do it! I am rooting for both of you!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Fertility Report
I wanted to post this on Friday, when the clinic called me, but I went to Boise with my mom and it was a crazy, fun weekend. It honestly helped me keep my mind off of sitting at home worrying about my embryos!
Anyways, the fertilization report is:
10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 6 fertilized normally! That is more than we were told we would get, so I am very happy. Dr. S recommended a 3-day transfer still, since we only have 6 embryos and he didn't want to chance them not making it to day 5. We are heading down there in a few minutes to get transferred, so we will know more about how they are doing now! I am hopeful that they will all be healthy and we may get a couple or so to freeze, along with our transfer!
Anyways, the fertilization report is:
10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 6 fertilized normally! That is more than we were told we would get, so I am very happy. Dr. S recommended a 3-day transfer still, since we only have 6 embryos and he didn't want to chance them not making it to day 5. We are heading down there in a few minutes to get transferred, so we will know more about how they are doing now! I am hopeful that they will all be healthy and we may get a couple or so to freeze, along with our transfer!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Egg retrieval day
Today was my egg retrieval! Despite what the internet had to say about how awful it was, it really wasn't bad at all. This morning, I woke up WAY too early. I've been waking up earlier, just because of the sun coming up earlier lately, but it was still very much dark when my body decided I had had enough sleep. Probably just nervous or something. I got up and got ready, which didn't take much, since I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything and I also wasn't supposed to wear anything with a smell to it (lotion, hairspray, bodywash, perfume, etc).
We left a little early, so we could stop by my grandparents' house to drop off a birthday card for my grandpa. His birthday was yesterday. I wasn't sure how loopy I would be on the way home, so I wanted to make sure to get it there while still coherent. Of course, we woke grandma up, since it was only 8:30 and she likes to sleep in. I'm with her. When I get to retirement age, I will be sleeping in too. It was nice to chat with them for a while, even if Grandma did stress me out a little by telling me how hard it is to get an IV in her.
Then, we were off to the clinic. When we got there, they took Austin back to do his thing, but I'm not totally sure where. A couple minutes later, they had me go back and talk to the nurse. She went over everything to make sure we were all on the same page with what we were doing, and then told me what I was to do/expect afterwards. She made it sound just as terrifying as the internet did, so that was fun. Then, she took me to the recovery room where I got to change into a fun hospital gown and chill for a while. Austin came in a few minutes later. I made him take a picture with me, since I looked so cute:
Okay, I guess replace the word cute with pasty, and that is a bit more accurate.
After we were in the recovery area for like 3-4 minutes, Dr. Hatasaka came in and introduced himself and told us what he expected to get. I didn't know Dr. Swelstad wouldn't be doing my retrieval until we got there, but I was told it was a possibility, since I didn't start on a regular batch cycle (where they put everyone on birth control and start their stimulation the same day). Anyway, for the literally 30 seconds I talked to Dr. H, he seemed super nice. Then, I signed some paperwork for the anesthetist and he took me into the OR. That room is a bit intimidating, so I'm glad I don't remember much from there. The embryologist came out and introduced herself, though I do not remember what her name was. Luckily, she made dang sure she knew my name and my husband's name and that they were clearly marked on all of our stuff!
The anesthetist told me he was going to start the IV and that would be the worst part. He numbed my arm up a little first, so it didn't even hurt at all actually. The IV went in super quick and easy. The most stressful part for me about having an IV is just knowing there is something sticking into me. Some kind of irrational fear. So I was really glad that pretty much as soon as the IV was in, he started giving me the propofol and other lovely drugs. He said, "Okay, you're getting the good stuff now, so don't freak out if you start seeing tie dye flowers on the ceiling or something." And as soon as he said that, the lights started looking like they were on a treadmill, and I think I probably told them that.
Then....I was in the recovery room. The nurse told me it was over and I was like...no, we didn't start yet. Then I realized I was in the recovery room and Austin was there. I was like, "AUSTIN! How did I get in here???" The operating table is stationary, and the recovery bed was in the other room, so I was very concerned as to how I got from one room to the other. I don't know if I walked, someone wheeled me, or if they just carried me in there! Austin couldn't help me either, because they didn't bring him in until I was waking up, so he doesn't know how I got there either. Then, I told him like 5 times that the lights looked like there were on treadmills and then it was over.
I could feel the propofol wearing off. It is a very short-acting drug, and I was kind of sad, because it just feels so good. Luckily, the fentanyl and Demerol are not quite so short-acting. They are pain killers, but I still expected SOME pain. I kept pushing on my stomach and telling Austin I was sure we hadn't started yet, because it didn't even hurt. I'm just glad waking up, I wasn't as silly as Bo was when he woke up after his wisdom teeth. That made for seriously the most hilarious anesthesia video I have EVER seen. He thought he was in a war and was trying to shoot bad guys and go on "missions" all the way home, including telling my mom she was a Russian spy and everything. It was beyond hilarious. So, at least I didn't do that. Austin did take a picture of me all loopy though...thanks for that, Hon!
Yep, still pasty. Get that girl some lip gloss.
So, after the drugs started wearing off, we were allowed to have a juice box and leave. The report is they retrieved 10 eggs, but they won't know how many were mature until tomorrow. They are going to call me in the morning with how many were mature and how many fertilized. I expect 5 or so good ones. I would be happy with 5. Now we just have to pray they grow really well and make it to a 5-day transfer! The hard part is over now. You know, as long as you don't count sitting on your thumbs waiting around hard. Different hard, I guess!
I am now about 8-9 hours out from the surgery and I still feel pretty good. It actually hurt more to have my IUD put in, just for some comparison. I don't know if I still have some pain killer in my system or not, but if this is as bad as it gets, I can definitely handle it. Good job being wrong, Internet.
We left a little early, so we could stop by my grandparents' house to drop off a birthday card for my grandpa. His birthday was yesterday. I wasn't sure how loopy I would be on the way home, so I wanted to make sure to get it there while still coherent. Of course, we woke grandma up, since it was only 8:30 and she likes to sleep in. I'm with her. When I get to retirement age, I will be sleeping in too. It was nice to chat with them for a while, even if Grandma did stress me out a little by telling me how hard it is to get an IV in her.
Then, we were off to the clinic. When we got there, they took Austin back to do his thing, but I'm not totally sure where. A couple minutes later, they had me go back and talk to the nurse. She went over everything to make sure we were all on the same page with what we were doing, and then told me what I was to do/expect afterwards. She made it sound just as terrifying as the internet did, so that was fun. Then, she took me to the recovery room where I got to change into a fun hospital gown and chill for a while. Austin came in a few minutes later. I made him take a picture with me, since I looked so cute:
Okay, I guess replace the word cute with pasty, and that is a bit more accurate.
After we were in the recovery area for like 3-4 minutes, Dr. Hatasaka came in and introduced himself and told us what he expected to get. I didn't know Dr. Swelstad wouldn't be doing my retrieval until we got there, but I was told it was a possibility, since I didn't start on a regular batch cycle (where they put everyone on birth control and start their stimulation the same day). Anyway, for the literally 30 seconds I talked to Dr. H, he seemed super nice. Then, I signed some paperwork for the anesthetist and he took me into the OR. That room is a bit intimidating, so I'm glad I don't remember much from there. The embryologist came out and introduced herself, though I do not remember what her name was. Luckily, she made dang sure she knew my name and my husband's name and that they were clearly marked on all of our stuff!
The anesthetist told me he was going to start the IV and that would be the worst part. He numbed my arm up a little first, so it didn't even hurt at all actually. The IV went in super quick and easy. The most stressful part for me about having an IV is just knowing there is something sticking into me. Some kind of irrational fear. So I was really glad that pretty much as soon as the IV was in, he started giving me the propofol and other lovely drugs. He said, "Okay, you're getting the good stuff now, so don't freak out if you start seeing tie dye flowers on the ceiling or something." And as soon as he said that, the lights started looking like they were on a treadmill, and I think I probably told them that.
Then....I was in the recovery room. The nurse told me it was over and I was like...no, we didn't start yet. Then I realized I was in the recovery room and Austin was there. I was like, "AUSTIN! How did I get in here???" The operating table is stationary, and the recovery bed was in the other room, so I was very concerned as to how I got from one room to the other. I don't know if I walked, someone wheeled me, or if they just carried me in there! Austin couldn't help me either, because they didn't bring him in until I was waking up, so he doesn't know how I got there either. Then, I told him like 5 times that the lights looked like there were on treadmills and then it was over.
I could feel the propofol wearing off. It is a very short-acting drug, and I was kind of sad, because it just feels so good. Luckily, the fentanyl and Demerol are not quite so short-acting. They are pain killers, but I still expected SOME pain. I kept pushing on my stomach and telling Austin I was sure we hadn't started yet, because it didn't even hurt. I'm just glad waking up, I wasn't as silly as Bo was when he woke up after his wisdom teeth. That made for seriously the most hilarious anesthesia video I have EVER seen. He thought he was in a war and was trying to shoot bad guys and go on "missions" all the way home, including telling my mom she was a Russian spy and everything. It was beyond hilarious. So, at least I didn't do that. Austin did take a picture of me all loopy though...thanks for that, Hon!
Yep, still pasty. Get that girl some lip gloss.
So, after the drugs started wearing off, we were allowed to have a juice box and leave. The report is they retrieved 10 eggs, but they won't know how many were mature until tomorrow. They are going to call me in the morning with how many were mature and how many fertilized. I expect 5 or so good ones. I would be happy with 5. Now we just have to pray they grow really well and make it to a 5-day transfer! The hard part is over now. You know, as long as you don't count sitting on your thumbs waiting around hard. Different hard, I guess!
I am now about 8-9 hours out from the surgery and I still feel pretty good. It actually hurt more to have my IUD put in, just for some comparison. I don't know if I still have some pain killer in my system or not, but if this is as bad as it gets, I can definitely handle it. Good job being wrong, Internet.
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