My dad told me I needed to write down my feelings, so that I wouldn't forget how hard things are or try to diminish what I went through later when things turn out for the better. Right now, I am not sure that will ever happen. I have tried to sit down and write this all out for the past several weeks, but it was just easier to do other things. The first three days after we found out about the dropping beta were like limbo. The miscarriage hadn't started yet, so I kept hoping they would call me back and tell me there was a mixup and that was someone else's unfortunate result, and mine was fine...but I knew it wasn't true. I could tell all the pregnancy symptoms had vanished. When the miscarriage actually started, it was very painful. They said it might not be, since I wasn't very far along, but it was.
When we talked to Dr. S, he said he didn't know why I miscarried, but that it was probably a genetic problem with the embryos and probably wouldn't happen again. That didn't give me much comfort, because so far, all of those small percentage categories of awfulness I'm not supposed to be in...I have been in. He tried to be encouraging, saying in my case, implantation and actually getting pregnant is the hardest hurdle, and we made it there, so we can do it again. Its just so hard to have faith. Austin wanted to try again right away, though, so I agreed to give it another shot. Dr. S was going on vacation in June and we were going on the family reunion the beginning of July, so we all decided to wait 2 cycles, and start around the middle of July.
The next two weeks, I cried every single day. I was mostly able to keep it contained to my own house by myself or around Austin, but almost everything I had to do during those weeks was painful. By week 3, I was only crying some days, and the fourth week I didn't cry at all until someone casually asked me how I was at church and I just started bawling out of no where.
PuckerUp season started and I was grateful to be able to use that to distract myself for a few weekends, and next week we'll be leaving for the reunion, so that will be distracting as well. Everyone has been really supportive, and I hate to feel like such a mess, but I can't help it. Its hard not to feel like God is just playing with me. I feel like this is too much for me to handle, and then I feel guilty for not having more faith. I have a brother on a mission right now, and I didn't write to him this week, because I'm a slacker. But he wrote to my mom something after she complained that she was sick again, and it may as well have been to me. He said:
"Even though we have hard trials in life, would it really be easier to
give up the faith than to put more faith in God? Many people think so, but in this church and this family, it will never be easier to give up
the faith. So this only goes 2 ways. Are your trials building up your
faith or tearing it down? Is your obedience to the laws of heaven
inseparably connected with your love of Jesus Christ? Some things for
everyone to think about."
I know that is true, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know the only way to get through this is my faith in my Heavenly Father, but I feel like he deserves the cold shoulder right now. I just have to believe that I don't understand the purpose of this trial YET. The alternative is unbearable.
For now, I am trying to distance myself from my emotions to get through another cycle. I called the clinic and got my meds ordered and my down payment for the next cycle put through. It is hard to have hope right now. I don't know if it is pessimistic or rational to reserve having hope until I've made it past a few more hurdles, but its what I'm having to do right now.
