More pokes

Yesterday, I went back for my second ultrasound to check on how well my eggs are growing.  Dr. S was able to find 10 follicles, 5 on each side, and they are all about the same size.  He tells me that is good, because we want them all to get the same amount of hormone and grow at the same rate, which makes for good quality eggs.  Also, the cyst we saw on the first ultrasound is collapsing and getting smaller, which means it was most likely a corpus luteal cyst (leftover from last month's ovulation), rather than an estrogen-producing (hormone hogging) cyst that would inhibit the other follicles from growing as well.  All in all, I was happy with the news.  I was hoping we would still have as many follicles as we started with, but either 4 decided not to join in the egg-growing fun, or we just couldn't see them on this ultrasound.

After the lab work came back, Nurse Amy called and told me to stay on the same 7 vials of Bravelle, but cut the HCG in half and add half saline water.  Also, tonight I start on the Ganirelix, which keeps me from ovulating early.  That can't be mixed with the other stuff, so I will end up with 2 shots for the next few days.  Dr. S said he expected about 4 more days of shots before the HCG trigger shot, so about 9 days total, which is less than I was expecting.  The shot last night stung a lot more than usual.  I don't know if it is just because it was in a more tender spot, or if it was the extra salt from the saline solution.

Speaking of drawbacks/side effects to this whole process, I am happy to report that I thought this whole thing was going to be a lot worse.  The shots aren't horrible, and while I still have to look away while Austin gives me the injection, I am not getting anxious at all anymore.  The actual side effects from the hormones aren't bad at all either.  Femara was worse than this as far as dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, etc., and Clomid was even worse than Femara.  The shots haven't caused too much in the way of side effects at all so far.  I did notice I got sick easier at the gym a couple times, but when you lift heavy that tends to happen anyway.  I expect to be able to get a few more days in at the gym before I have to take it easy.  I have heard that another side effect tends to be a bloated feeling, caused by your ovaries getting bigger.  My follicles are now about 1 cm each, and there are 10 of them, so they are taking up about 10 cm more space than normal.  That will at least double by the end of this.  I can definitely feel them getting bigger, but it isn't painful and not even really what I would call uncomfortable.  I am actually really pleased with the lack of side effects so far.  That being said, and my lack of wood to knock on currently, I'll probably start having something horrible happen in the next day or so.

My dad did mention last night that he was a bit concerned that I was being so optimistic, and worried that if this first cycle didn't work out, I might be crushed.  I get that as a valid concern, but I told him I felt like I was fully aware of the distinct possibility that this cycle won't work and we'll have to try again.  However, I don't feel like the optimism is coming directly from me.  It is more coming from my ability to see the Lord's hand in this.  There have been far too many coincidences that led us to this time, this doctor, this insurance, and this specific cycle for me to ignore that.   I do understand that this might be all to teach me something and I may have to go through more than one cycle, but I do know there is a baby waiting for us at the end of this and its hard to get discouraged by any setbacks or thoughts of multiple tries when you know that it will all work out how it is supposed to.

My dad also gave me a blessing before any of this started and among many wonderful things that were said, including promising that there are children in our future one way or another, he told me that I knew about and chose to accept this trial before I came to this earth, knowing full well how hard it would be and what was at the other end.  That one thing sparked two separate emotions in me.  On the one side, it made me aware of how strong I am and how strong my Heavenly Father knows I am to be able to go through this.  It caused me to feel His love and pride in me that he knows what I am capable of.  On the other side, it made me feel guilty for all the times I blamed God for being uncaring about what he was doing to me.  If only I could have realized that I had an equal part to play in giving myself this trial!  I must have known what growth it would inspire in me.  Not even being all the way through it yet, I have already seen my compassion for others grow, as well as my closeness to my Heavenly Father as He blesses my life through this struggle.  I know I had to work through many struggles earlier in my life, in order to really appreciate my husband, and I know this is the same.  Not that I would ever take the miracle of a child for granted, but having to struggle to get those little spirits here, I have a new respect for the blessing that is motherhood.

I also want to mention that I know how much of a blessing it is to have my husband with me through this struggle.  Because this problem, from what we can tell so far, is all because of my body problems, this would have been a situation I had to struggle through no matter who I had chosen for a mate.  However, I know that Austin is the best person for me to be with, and that he would be the most complementary person for me to face life's challenges with.  He is and has been my support and my strength through every challenge we have had to face since being married.  Granted, this is the biggest struggle so far, but we have helped each other through many other things before this, and we will continue to do so in the future.  He is the outlet for my frustrations when things don't go the way I planned (and anyone who knows me, knows I like to be in control in every situation, and I have little tolerance for surprises or setbacks to my "plan").  He is the voice of reason when I am sure each setback must be a sign for us to stop.  He is there to hug me and comfort me when despair seems overwhelming.  Also, he is the one I want to share every excitement and every joy with, every time something goes right or something falls into place.  It reminds me how much of a blessing and design of the Lord it was for me to end up with him!

After all that rambling (I was just going to update on the doctor visit!), I have to conclude that yes, this may not work.  It may take more than one try, but I'm ready for it.  I know that I can do it now.  That being said, I sure hope it works before we use up our entire insurance benefit!!