I have started to have a little bit of nausea in the last few days, but it comes and goes. There are other symptoms I am dealing with, too. They all kind of suck, but at the same time, I freak out every time any of them go away. All of my symptoms vanished right before I lost the last pregnancy, so I'm kind of terrified of that happening again. I would rather be sick all day than wonder if it just disappeared again. I know I will feel much better after my ultrasound next Thursday, but that is still 10 days away, which is like 1 million years to me.
My doctor told me I didn't need another beta level, because mine was so high, but I have been fighting off the urge to waste the gas driving to Layton to get one drawn anyway. I haven't had any signs of miscarrying, and the bleeding never came back after the first day, before the positive test, so I know I'm just freaking myself out. On Sunday, I just started freaking out for no reason. I was just crying and telling Austin I was so scared something bad was going to happen, even though I didn't have any reason to think that other than the fact that ONLY bad things have happened so far. He gave me a blessing and told me everything was going to be fine, and I instantly calmed down and my desire to skip going to church and drive straight to the Sandy Clinic and get a blood test right then went away.
Since then, I have tried to keep my anxiety levels under control, because I know its not good for the baby, but it is so hard. I just have to keep myself busy. Luckily we have a PuckerUp event Wed-Sat this week, so we will be pretty occupied. I sort of wish I could get the ultrasound moved sooner, but my doctor is going to be out of town the beginning of next week, and also, with me being 7 weeks by then, we should definitely be able to see the heartbeat. I think once I see that I will calm down a bit. I just need this first trimester or "danger period" to go very quickly.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Happy Beta Day
Today I had my first beta drawn. I am still waiting for them to call me, but the result was just posted to my online portal and it is a nice high 344! That is much higher than what I had the last time, so I feel like this one is much stronger. Hopefully, it continues on and we can get double that in a couple of days! I am officially pregnant, but I'm still just hoping and praying that it sticks.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Much needed update
I slacked big time in keeping up to date on this last cycle we went through. It was a combination of being completely exhausted pretty much the whole time (which only seems to be getting worse), having a lot of other stuff going on, and kind of emotionally enjoying flying under the radar with this one. Still, I need to make sure it gets documented.
We started our second IVF cycle on July 15. Things went along pretty much the same as last time, with nearly the same doses of medications. The only difference was we had a different doctor involved with Dr. S this time. Dr. Blauer was the one who was scheduled in the Sandy clinic for our weekend monitoring appointments, and also did both our retrieval and transfer. Dr. S really wanted to be the one to do them, but I didn't end up falling on his days, so it ended up being Dr. B. I liked him pretty well, but Austin says he likes Dr. Hatasaka the best. There is only one more doctor at the clinic that we haven't met yet. Needless to say, I'm getting more comfortable with everyone and their assistants in the room while my legs are up in the air.
Anyway, this time, we used the same protocol and nearly the same dosages, but only retrieved 3 eggs. (Recall, our numbers from last time were 10 eggs, 9 mature, 6 fertilized, and 2 "excellents" implanted...none to freeze). I was kind of thinking I wouldn't be surprised if we got nothing to implant, because something just kind of seemed off about this cycle. I tried not to voice my negative opinions, but I told Austin I didn't feel like this was the one. However, the next day they called to tell us that all 3 of the eggs they retrieved were mature and fertilized normally. That was somewhat encouraging. They planned a 3-day transfer, which fell on Monday the 29th. When we got down there, they told us the grading of the embryos was one 12-cell good+, one 9-cell fair+, and an 8-cell fair to fair+. Dr. B let us decide how many of the 3 we wanted to implant. He said he wouldn't recommend implanting all 3, but that since the last time didn't work, he wouldn't think it would be TOO high risk. In the end, we decided we would give all 3 a chance. I didn't want to go through a frozen cycle for one embryo that might not even make it to unfreeze, so I just said, let's go for it!
The 2-week wait has been exhausting. I have been so tired the whole time, but other than that, I didn't get any of the pregnancy symptoms I did last time. Last time, I was starving ALL the time, and sick to my stomach anytime I wasn't eating. This time I don't feel the same way. Then, on Wednesday, I started bleeding quite a bit, but it only lasted for about 10 minutes. I thought, well that's that, its over...on to round 3. The sporadic bleeding is probably related to the progesterone. I told Austin and he was upset, but he already knew I didn't think this one would work, so he kind of let it go.
Then, when I told him I never started bleeding again, he started getting his hopes up. I didn't want him to get crushed when we went to get the blood work on Monday, so I went to the store and got one of those dollar pregnancy tests just to prove to him that there was nothing to be hopeful about. I peed on the thing and handed it to him and said see! Not pregnant. But he was like, it looks like a plus to me! So I looked at it again, and sure enough, I could see a plus sign too. I told him we were probably imagining it though, so we went back to the store and bought the digital kind. They are way more definite. Pregnant or not pregnant. None of this "do I see a line or not???" Anyway, I brought it home and peed on that one. Sure enough, it said pregnant too.
Well, I guess my plan to prove Austin wrong backfired. Oh well! I'll take it. Now, we're anxiously awaiting Monday to get the blood test and see if it is really going to stick this time or if we're going to have a repeat of last time. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but its hard to wait until its "safe" to get excited.
I am so grateful for all of the people who are fasting and praying for us. I know there are a LOT! I really realize how many people care about me now. I have tons of family rooting for us, of course, but I also have neighbors, ward friends, and other friends who have all told us about family fasts and praying they have been doing for us. Its kind of overwhelming. I am sure that helps more than anything I do alone. My emotions and faith are on a roller coaster right now, so its nice to have a strong backup of people who remind me to have faith in the Lord's plan.
We started our second IVF cycle on July 15. Things went along pretty much the same as last time, with nearly the same doses of medications. The only difference was we had a different doctor involved with Dr. S this time. Dr. Blauer was the one who was scheduled in the Sandy clinic for our weekend monitoring appointments, and also did both our retrieval and transfer. Dr. S really wanted to be the one to do them, but I didn't end up falling on his days, so it ended up being Dr. B. I liked him pretty well, but Austin says he likes Dr. Hatasaka the best. There is only one more doctor at the clinic that we haven't met yet. Needless to say, I'm getting more comfortable with everyone and their assistants in the room while my legs are up in the air.
Anyway, this time, we used the same protocol and nearly the same dosages, but only retrieved 3 eggs. (Recall, our numbers from last time were 10 eggs, 9 mature, 6 fertilized, and 2 "excellents" implanted...none to freeze). I was kind of thinking I wouldn't be surprised if we got nothing to implant, because something just kind of seemed off about this cycle. I tried not to voice my negative opinions, but I told Austin I didn't feel like this was the one. However, the next day they called to tell us that all 3 of the eggs they retrieved were mature and fertilized normally. That was somewhat encouraging. They planned a 3-day transfer, which fell on Monday the 29th. When we got down there, they told us the grading of the embryos was one 12-cell good+, one 9-cell fair+, and an 8-cell fair to fair+. Dr. B let us decide how many of the 3 we wanted to implant. He said he wouldn't recommend implanting all 3, but that since the last time didn't work, he wouldn't think it would be TOO high risk. In the end, we decided we would give all 3 a chance. I didn't want to go through a frozen cycle for one embryo that might not even make it to unfreeze, so I just said, let's go for it!
The 2-week wait has been exhausting. I have been so tired the whole time, but other than that, I didn't get any of the pregnancy symptoms I did last time. Last time, I was starving ALL the time, and sick to my stomach anytime I wasn't eating. This time I don't feel the same way. Then, on Wednesday, I started bleeding quite a bit, but it only lasted for about 10 minutes. I thought, well that's that, its over...on to round 3. The sporadic bleeding is probably related to the progesterone. I told Austin and he was upset, but he already knew I didn't think this one would work, so he kind of let it go.
Then, when I told him I never started bleeding again, he started getting his hopes up. I didn't want him to get crushed when we went to get the blood work on Monday, so I went to the store and got one of those dollar pregnancy tests just to prove to him that there was nothing to be hopeful about. I peed on the thing and handed it to him and said see! Not pregnant. But he was like, it looks like a plus to me! So I looked at it again, and sure enough, I could see a plus sign too. I told him we were probably imagining it though, so we went back to the store and bought the digital kind. They are way more definite. Pregnant or not pregnant. None of this "do I see a line or not???" Anyway, I brought it home and peed on that one. Sure enough, it said pregnant too.
Well, I guess my plan to prove Austin wrong backfired. Oh well! I'll take it. Now, we're anxiously awaiting Monday to get the blood test and see if it is really going to stick this time or if we're going to have a repeat of last time. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but its hard to wait until its "safe" to get excited.
I am so grateful for all of the people who are fasting and praying for us. I know there are a LOT! I really realize how many people care about me now. I have tons of family rooting for us, of course, but I also have neighbors, ward friends, and other friends who have all told us about family fasts and praying they have been doing for us. Its kind of overwhelming. I am sure that helps more than anything I do alone. My emotions and faith are on a roller coaster right now, so its nice to have a strong backup of people who remind me to have faith in the Lord's plan.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Gratitude
I am not really sure what to write about on a blog. I never seem to have issues on what to talk about in person. However, posting things to the internet is not my forte. I suppose I could just write about what I talk and think about...
I often times wonder why I am so blessed in this life. There are many many people who don't have half of the blessings that I do and yet somehow they seem just as happy or happier. I have a beautiful, kind and loving wife who is so selfless and caring, that I am often left speechless, at how thoughtful she is. She is so supportive of me and everything that I do, that sometimes I wonder what I have done to deserve her in my life.
Through out this whole experience and trial that we are currently in, I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am to live in a time that these treatments are even possible, and especially that we can be so blessed to be able to do them. The technology advancements and medical discoveries that exist simply amaze me, which is quite a feat. The ability of these doctors, and their supporting staff, to make this all possible is such a great blessing in our life. I am grateful for them and all of the many things that they do. Most of all, though, I am grateful for Heather and I hope that she knows that.
I hope that round 2 can be the one that we get our baby, and the many associated blessings and trials. I feel a strong feeling that this is what we are supposed to be doing, and that things will work for us. I know that it is hard at times to see through the trials that we have in life. Especially after what we have just gone through. However, I know that if we are obedient, faithful, and grateful for what we have, we will be blessed.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Round 2
My dad told me I needed to write down my feelings, so that I wouldn't forget how hard things are or try to diminish what I went through later when things turn out for the better. Right now, I am not sure that will ever happen. I have tried to sit down and write this all out for the past several weeks, but it was just easier to do other things. The first three days after we found out about the dropping beta were like limbo. The miscarriage hadn't started yet, so I kept hoping they would call me back and tell me there was a mixup and that was someone else's unfortunate result, and mine was fine...but I knew it wasn't true. I could tell all the pregnancy symptoms had vanished. When the miscarriage actually started, it was very painful. They said it might not be, since I wasn't very far along, but it was.
When we talked to Dr. S, he said he didn't know why I miscarried, but that it was probably a genetic problem with the embryos and probably wouldn't happen again. That didn't give me much comfort, because so far, all of those small percentage categories of awfulness I'm not supposed to be in...I have been in. He tried to be encouraging, saying in my case, implantation and actually getting pregnant is the hardest hurdle, and we made it there, so we can do it again. Its just so hard to have faith. Austin wanted to try again right away, though, so I agreed to give it another shot. Dr. S was going on vacation in June and we were going on the family reunion the beginning of July, so we all decided to wait 2 cycles, and start around the middle of July.
The next two weeks, I cried every single day. I was mostly able to keep it contained to my own house by myself or around Austin, but almost everything I had to do during those weeks was painful. By week 3, I was only crying some days, and the fourth week I didn't cry at all until someone casually asked me how I was at church and I just started bawling out of no where.
PuckerUp season started and I was grateful to be able to use that to distract myself for a few weekends, and next week we'll be leaving for the reunion, so that will be distracting as well. Everyone has been really supportive, and I hate to feel like such a mess, but I can't help it. Its hard not to feel like God is just playing with me. I feel like this is too much for me to handle, and then I feel guilty for not having more faith. I have a brother on a mission right now, and I didn't write to him this week, because I'm a slacker. But he wrote to my mom something after she complained that she was sick again, and it may as well have been to me. He said:
"Even though we have hard trials in life, would it really be easier to give up the faith than to put more faith in God? Many people think so, but in this church and this family, it will never be easier to give up the faith. So this only goes 2 ways. Are your trials building up your faith or tearing it down? Is your obedience to the laws of heaven inseparably connected with your love of Jesus Christ? Some things for everyone to think about."
I know that is true, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know the only way to get through this is my faith in my Heavenly Father, but I feel like he deserves the cold shoulder right now. I just have to believe that I don't understand the purpose of this trial YET. The alternative is unbearable.
For now, I am trying to distance myself from my emotions to get through another cycle. I called the clinic and got my meds ordered and my down payment for the next cycle put through. It is hard to have hope right now. I don't know if it is pessimistic or rational to reserve having hope until I've made it past a few more hurdles, but its what I'm having to do right now.
When we talked to Dr. S, he said he didn't know why I miscarried, but that it was probably a genetic problem with the embryos and probably wouldn't happen again. That didn't give me much comfort, because so far, all of those small percentage categories of awfulness I'm not supposed to be in...I have been in. He tried to be encouraging, saying in my case, implantation and actually getting pregnant is the hardest hurdle, and we made it there, so we can do it again. Its just so hard to have faith. Austin wanted to try again right away, though, so I agreed to give it another shot. Dr. S was going on vacation in June and we were going on the family reunion the beginning of July, so we all decided to wait 2 cycles, and start around the middle of July.
The next two weeks, I cried every single day. I was mostly able to keep it contained to my own house by myself or around Austin, but almost everything I had to do during those weeks was painful. By week 3, I was only crying some days, and the fourth week I didn't cry at all until someone casually asked me how I was at church and I just started bawling out of no where.
PuckerUp season started and I was grateful to be able to use that to distract myself for a few weekends, and next week we'll be leaving for the reunion, so that will be distracting as well. Everyone has been really supportive, and I hate to feel like such a mess, but I can't help it. Its hard not to feel like God is just playing with me. I feel like this is too much for me to handle, and then I feel guilty for not having more faith. I have a brother on a mission right now, and I didn't write to him this week, because I'm a slacker. But he wrote to my mom something after she complained that she was sick again, and it may as well have been to me. He said:
"Even though we have hard trials in life, would it really be easier to give up the faith than to put more faith in God? Many people think so, but in this church and this family, it will never be easier to give up the faith. So this only goes 2 ways. Are your trials building up your faith or tearing it down? Is your obedience to the laws of heaven inseparably connected with your love of Jesus Christ? Some things for everyone to think about."
I know that is true, but it doesn't make it any easier. I know the only way to get through this is my faith in my Heavenly Father, but I feel like he deserves the cold shoulder right now. I just have to believe that I don't understand the purpose of this trial YET. The alternative is unbearable.
For now, I am trying to distance myself from my emotions to get through another cycle. I called the clinic and got my meds ordered and my down payment for the next cycle put through. It is hard to have hope right now. I don't know if it is pessimistic or rational to reserve having hope until I've made it past a few more hurdles, but its what I'm having to do right now.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Fail
Just a quick update about what is going on. I will write more when I feel up to it. We got a positive pregnancy test last week, the first beta was good, and we were really happy. However, we decided to get a second beta today just to be safe, and the number had dropped drastically, which means miscarriage is inevitable. We're going to talk to the doctor next Monday and see what we're supposed to do next.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Just for the record
All the side effects I didn't have with the shots, I am now having with the progesterone. Conveniently, they are the same as pregnancy symptoms, so I can't tell if anything is going on. On the bright side, though, I could literally sleep through the next 9 days with no trouble. I am SO tired. But of course, I can't sleep at night. Then, I just thrash around a lot in that awkward, not-really-asleep mode. SUPER!
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